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You Know You're a Redneck if...

  1. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off.
  2. You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d'oeuvre.
  3. There is a stuffed possum mounted anywhere in your home.
  4. You consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
  5. The primary color of your car is "Bondo."
  6. Directions to your house include: "turn off the paved road."
  7. Your family tree does not fork.
  8. Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
  9. You've ever hollered "Rock the house, Bubba!" during your kid's piano recital.
  10. You've ever barbecued SPAM on the grill.
  11. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
  12. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best motion picture.
  13. The rear tires on your truck are twice as wide as the front ones.
  14. You prominently display a gift in your house that you bought at Graceland.
  15. You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.
  16. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
  17. You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
  18. Your father encourages you to quit school when Larry announces an opening in the lube rack.
  19. You have a rag for a gas cap.
  20. You run out of beer and your friends go home.
  21. You have orange road cones in your living room.
  22. You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time.
  23. People are scared to touch your bathrobe.
  24. You've ever written you resume on a cocktail napkin.
  25. The beertruck delivers door-to-door in your neighborhood.
  26. Your car burns more oil than it does gas.
  27. Your class reunion is a keg party in the woods.
  28. You've ever burped and killed a fly.
  29. You have a Jack Daniels poster in your living room.
  30. Your new sofa was on a curb in another part of town yesterday.
  31. You belong to a beer of the month club.
  32. It's midnight and everyone one your street knows what album you're playing.
  33. You celebrate every night like it's New Year's Eve.
  34. You've ever hitchhiked naked.
  35. Your bumper sticker says, "My child whipped your honor student's ass."
  36. You had a toothpick in your mouth when you had your wedding picture taken.
  37. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  38. You have a "Hefty bag" for a passenger side window on your car.
  39. Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
  40. You consider your license plate "personalized" because your father made it.
  41. You own more than three shirts with cut-off sleeves.
  42. You have ever driven down the road with your seat belt hanging out of the door making sparks.
  43. You have ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
  44. Someone asks to see your ID, and you show them your belt buckle.
  45. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
  46. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
  47. You have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
  48. You see no need to stop at a rest area because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
  49. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
  50. Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
  51. You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.
  52. Lawn ornamentation means a Chevy and a Buick.
  53. You go to family reunions to meet women.
  54. You have ever signed a petition to have the national anthem changed to "Free Bird."
  55. You call your boss "dude."
  56. You have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
  57. You look like Willie Nelson after you get your hair cut.
  58. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
  59. You wear a belt buckle that weighs more than three pounds.
  60. Your girlfriend thinks the way you pick your nose is cute.
  61. You have a gun rack on your bass boat.
  62. You prepare for a bubble bath by eating beans.