Truly Tasteless One-Liners
- Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring and good-looking?
Because all those men already have
- What do electric trains and women's breasts have in
They were originally intended for children but it's the men who
play with them the most.
- Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one
Because they won't stop to ask directions.
- What are the three words that men hate to hear during
"Are you done?"
- What are the three words women hate to hear during
"Honey, I'm home!"
- What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
- What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
- What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
- What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
- What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman
does while a guy is screwing her.
- What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist
- What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do
what she's told.
- How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same,
but the dishes pile up.
- How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same,
but you get the remote.
- What's the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn
into men when they drink.
- What are those small bumps around a woman's nipples?
Braille for "suck here."
- What's a man's idea of foreplay?
Half an hour of begging.
- What's the best way to make your wife scream when you're having
Call her up and tell her where you are.
- Why do husbands die before their wives?
They want to.
- Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.
- Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand
seeing a man have a good time.
- Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump
female legs at cocktail parties.
- Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come
they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with
- What's the difference between a woman having her period and a
You can negotiate with a terrorist
- What's the difference between your wife and your job?
years your job still sucks.
- Why are men are like public toilets?
The good ones are taken,
the rest are full of shit.
- What's the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes of
- What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A deaf and dumb
nympho whose father owns a pub.
- What do you call a woman with no asshole?
- What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light
You can unscrew a light bulb.
- Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
changes their blood type.
- What does a woman do with her asshole in the morning?
makes him a sandwich and sends him to work.
- Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
don't have eyes.
- How can you tell if your husband is sexually excited?
- What do Kodak film have in common with condoms?
- Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
- Why are brides dressed in white?
So they match the rest of the
- What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Re-cycle them into a
tyre and call it a Good Year.
- Why is pubic hair always curly?
Otherwise it'll poke your
- What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A slut will
have sex with anyone, a bitch will have sex with anyone but you.
- Why is the penis so depress?
His best friends are two nuts who
live next to an asshole.
- What do you call the useless piece of skin around a vagina?
- What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, with a ten inch
- What two things in the air can get a woman pregnant?
- What's the difference between worry and panic?
- Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after
- What's the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and
your hand falls asleep.
- What is the biggest problem for an atheist during sex?
not suppose to yell "Oh God, I'm ..."
- How do you get rid of a nun's hiccups?
Tell her she's
- How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir
- Why do women wear tampons when they skydive?
So they don't
whistle on the way down.
- What is a man's worst nightmare?
Dolly Parton bottle feeding
- Which came first? The chicken or the egg?
Neither. The rooster
- What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
- What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in
They can smell it but they can't eat it.
- How do you determine the sex of your (computer) mouse?
there's a "pad" underneath, it's female.
- What is the difference between a rectal thermometer and a oral
- What can you assume when you find a lawyer buried up to his neck
Someone ran out of cement.
- What will it take to reunite Nirvana?
Two more bullets.
- What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to
"Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once."
- Why wasn't Jesus born in the U.S.A?
Because God couldn't find
three wise men and a virgin.
- Why was Jesus a virgin when he died?
Every time he touched a
"wound" it closed.
- What is the similarity between Michael Jackson and a grocery
Both are made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with.
- What is Michael Jackson's favorite movie?
"Honey, I Blew The
- Why was Michael Jackson so excited when he first heard about Boyz
He thought it was a home delivery service.
- How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?
One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
- Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast?
it does not have to stop to change color.
- Is it hard to spot the blind guy in a nudist colony?
- How did the blind girl burned the side of her face?
answered the iron.
- How did she burn the other side?
Same guy called back.
- How can you tell if a valentine is from a leper?
still in the envelope.
- What's the most popular pick up line in a gay bar?
"May I push
in your stool?"
- Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from his
job at the sperm bank?
He got caught drinking on the job.
- What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
true, we really do taste like chicken."
- What do you give the blonde that has
- What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes
A hundred dollar bill.
- What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
- What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in
They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.
- What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
has the higher sperm count.
- What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
- What do you do when an Irish throws a hand grenade at
Pull the pin and throw it back.
- What do you do when an Irish throws a pin at you?
hell...he's got a hand grenade in his mouth!
- Why did the Irish ice factory close down?
They lost the
- Why did the group of Irish stare at the carton of orange
It said "concentrate."
- Why don't cannibals eat Irish people?
The last time they threw
one in the cooking pot, he ate all the potatoes.
- Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.
- What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
you play with them the harder they get.
- What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
were both stuck up bitches.
- What do you get when you put the energizer bunny's batteries in
He keeps coming and coming and coming.
- How do you say "virgin" in Dutch?
- What is the longest organ in a sheep's body?
A New Zealander's
- What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone
A twenty-foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
- What does the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in
common?They both circle Uranus looking for cling-ons.
- What do the Chicago Cubs and Pee Wee Herman have in
They both can't whack it in public.
- Did you hear about the midget that went to a nudist colony?
kept getting in everyone's hair.
- What is a Mexican without a lawn mower?
- What is the difference between a Mexican and a bucket of
- What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a nigger?
who is too lazy to steal.
- What's the hardest thing about fucking a 5 year old?
kill them afterwards.
- Old Chinese proverb:
Rape impossible! Woman with skirt up run
faster than man with trousers down!
- How are airplanes and women alike?
They both have
- What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his
- What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried
By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you
have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
- Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood
Sperm is handmade.
- What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
- How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
- What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking
for? She's going to eat me!
- Why don't vampires go south of the border?
Because every time
they suck a Mexican's blood, they get the vshits for a month.
- Why did they take the "911" numbers off police patrol
Mexicans kept stealing the patrol cars, thinking they were
- How can you tell when the Mexicans have moved into your
The Blacks get car insurance.
- What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?