S.KRAUSE

DEPT. CHAIR:

Leaps tall building in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

FULL PROF:

Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God

ASSOCIATE PROF:

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favourable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special request is approved

ASSISTANT PROF:

Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog paddles
Talks to animals

GRAD STUDENT:

Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can't stay afloat with a life preserver
Talks to walls

UNDERGRAD:

Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building
Says "look at the choo-choo"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

DEPT. SECRETARY:

Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth
Freezes water with a single glance
She is God